By Tina Fey
There’s a fine line between expressing your needs and being manipulative in a relationship.
This line is often blurred by narcissists who use cleverly disguised phrases to control their partners and dictate the dynamics of the relationship.
Manipulation, especially when done by a narcissist, is designed to make you doubt your judgement and always keep you guessing.
Now, knowing these phrases used by narcissists can empower you to identify and stand up against their manipulative tactics.
Here’s a list of 10 phrases narcissists typically use to control their partners in a relationship.
You’re overreacting
One of the most common phrases narcissists use to control their partner is “You’re overreacting.”
This phrase is a classic example of gaslighting – a psychological manipulation technique that narcissists often use to make their partners question their own reality, judgment, and sanity.
The idea is to make the partner feel like they’re being too emotional or irrational. This way, the narcissist can downplay their own actions and shift the blame onto the partner.
It’s a clever manipulation tactic that essentially tells the partner: “Your feelings are not valid. I am the rational one, and you should listen to me.”
Understanding this phrase and the manipulation behind it can be an important step in regaining control and breaking free from a narcissistic relationship. But remember, it’s not just about the words – it’s also about how they’re used.
I never said that
How many times have I heard this phrase? More than I can count.
“I never said that” – another classic manipulation tactic used by narcissists. This one is particularly insidious because it’s designed to make you doubt your own memory.
In my past relationship, I would often confront my partner about something hurtful they had said or done, only for them to flat out deny it.
Every time they said, “I never said that,” I felt like I was going crazy. Was my memory really that bad? Was I making things up?
It took me a while to realize what was happening – it was gaslighting, plain and simple. They were manipulating me into questioning my memory and perception to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
It’s a painful realization but an important one. Recognizing this phrase and understanding the manipulation behind it is crucial in maintaining your sense of reality in a relationship with a narcissist.
No one else would put up with you
“No one else would put up with you” is a phrase designed to make the partner feel lucky to be in the relationship, no matter how toxic it might be.
It is a way for narcissists to control their partners by making them believe they are difficult to love and only the narcissist has the patience to tolerate them.
Psychology studies show that when people are made to feel undesirable or unlovable, they are more likely to stay in abusive relationships. This is precisely what the narcissist aims to achieve with this phrase.
You’re too sensitive
“You’re too sensitive,” is an all too common phrase used by narcissists to belittle their partners.
Narcissists use this phrase as a deflection tactic. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, they divert the attention to their partner’s emotional reaction. This way, they can avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
This phrase is designed to make you feel like your feelings are invalid and that you’re the one with the problem. Acknowledging this manipulation tactic can be a big step towards maintaining your emotional health in a relationship with a narcissist.
I’m the best thing that ever happened to you
“I’m the best thing that ever happened to you,” is a phrase narcissists use to inflate their importance in their partner’s life.
This phrase is designed to make their partner feel dependent on them and create a sense of indebtedness. The narcissist wants their partner to believe that without them, their life would be significantly worse.
By acknowledging this tactic, you can avoid getting trapped in this distorted reality and maintain a clear understanding of your own worth outside the relationship.
It’s always about you, isn’t it?
“It’s always about you, isn’t it?” is a phrase that strikes at the heart of any loving partner.
Narcissists use this phrase to make their partner feel selfish for expressing their needs or feelings. It’s a way to guilt-trip their partner into silence and to shift the focus back onto themselves.
It’s heartbreaking to feel like your emotions and needs are being dismissed as selfish.
But remember, in a healthy relationship, both partners’ feelings and needs are equally important.
You just don’t understand me
“You just don’t understand me,” is a phrase I’ve heard more times than I care to admit.
Narcissists use this phrase as a tool to create a sense of mystery and complexity around themselves. It’s a way to make their partners feel inadequate, as if they’re failing to meet the narcissist’s emotional needs.
In my past relationship, whenever I heard this phrase, I would try harder to understand my partner, often overlooking my own needs and boundaries in the process. It took time to realize that it was just another manipulation tactic.
In a healthy relationship, both partners strive to understand each other. But it’s equally important to recognize when understanding is being used as a tool for manipulation.
I’m just being honest
“I’m just being honest,” is a phrase narcissists often use that can catch you off guard.
On the surface, honesty is a virtue. But when a narcissist uses this phrase, it’s often to justify hurtful or disrespectful comments. They use the guise of honesty to express their criticism or contempt, making their partner feel inadequate or insecure.
Honesty without empathy or respect can be a form of emotional abuse.
You’re not listening to me
“You’re not listening to me,” is another phrase narcissists often use to control their partners.
This phrase is used to make their partners feel guilty and deflect from the issue at hand. Instead of addressing their partner’s concerns, the narcissist turns the tables and makes it about their partner’s perceived lack of empathy.
It’s important to remember that in a healthy relationship, both partners listen to each other’s concerns and feelings. Being accused of not listening when you are, is a manipulation tactic that needs to be recognized.
If you loved me, you would…
“If you loved me, you would…” is perhaps the most devastating phrase a narcissist can use.
This phrase manipulates love to gain control. It conditions their partner to prove their love by complying with the narcissist’s demands, no matter how unreasonable they might be.
It’s important to remember that love is not about losing yourself or compromising your boundaries. True love respects individuality and fosters mutual growth.
Final reflection: It’s about self-awareness
Understanding the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist often involves peeling back layers of manipulation and control.
The phrases we’ve discussed are not merely words; they’re tools narcissists use to maintain control and keep their partners off balance. They’re designed to instill doubt, guilt, and a sense of indebtedness.
It’s crucial to remember that these phrases reflect the narcissist’s insecurities, not your worth. Narcissistic behavior is often a defense mechanism masking deep-seated fears and insecurities.
Recognizing these phrases for what they are – manipulation tactics – is the first step towards reclaiming your autonomy and self-esteem.
In navigating such relationships, self-awareness becomes your most powerful ally. It empowers you to see through the manipulation and stand up for yourself.
Remember, every person deserves respect, empathy, and genuine love in their relationships. Don’t let manipulative phrases persuade you otherwise.
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